Tuesday, July 31, 2007

"Thanks for MY child"

Raising children within the sanctity of marriage, or as a couple affords the privilege of sharing responsibilities; dual diaper duty, live in baby-sitter and splitting financial burdens, hence, R. Kelly’s desire to go “half on a baby.” Now, every sweet deal has its sour spots, so things don’t always go according to plans.

One of the major parental faux pas (in my opinion), would be disharmony amongst the parental units displayed amidst the children. When I was growing up, I constantly heard adults say, “Stay in a child’s place and out of grown folks face,” but parents today seem to give their kids a front row seat to their drama. A large component of this disharmony is when one parent overrides the authority of the other (in the child’s presence). I’m sure we can all bare witness to the following:

Child: “can I have some cookies? “
Dad: “no, it’s about time for dinner.”
Mom: “oh, he can have the cookies…it’s not going to hurt-eat the cookie baby.”

Now, children are prone to gravitate more toward the ‘pleasing’ parent; the one that lets them have their way, so before long things start sounding like this:

Child: (eating cookies before dinner in the fathers presence)
Dad: “what did I tell you about eating snacks right before dinner?”
Child: “mom already said I could have them.”
Dad: (sitting in silence)

The child in this situation has been taught to listen to one parent over the other; causing them to lose respect for the ‘uncooperative’ parent who doesn’t give in to their desires. I’ve seen things go as far as the child telling one parent when the other parent disciplines them, knowing the ‘pleasing’ parent will come to their rescue. This is a major problem people; LIFE lessons are being taught in childhood. Freud once said, “Give me a child between the ages of 1-7 and after that you can have them back.” Why, because these are the crucial developmental years, the time of molding, training for adulthood (Proverbs 22:6).

Co-habitating, Co-parenting means Co-operation on all levels! Parents have got to start looking at the detrimental affects their behaviors have on the children their raising. There is a need to communicate HOW you're going to handle these types of situations; an understanding needs to agreed upon. I have the 'pleasure' of being the sole provider for my sons, so in addition to being the only one paying for everything, I'm also the only one making decisions. Parents may no agree on everything, but they must agree that respect for the other parent must be maintained at all times, and I think that's easily done by putting on a smile and tightening those lips in the presence of the child and talking things over behind the curtain.

Now the question is what do you do when you’ve not been albe to form this allegiance with your co-parent and have been labeled the ‘uncooperative’ one; you've come to feel like you've been duped because the two-parent unit you thought you were apart of has dissipated and all you hear your mate saying is, "thanks for MY child."


Opinionated Diva said...

Wow...so true with today's kids. I didn't really have the opportunity to pick the "pleasing parent" though.

I was raised by my step dad and my mother for the first 8 yrs of my life. While my stepfather's word was law, he couldn't be bothered with questions like "can I have a cookie"...we knew to ask my mother stuff like that. Not because she would allow us to get away with it, but because my 'dad' was a serious dude. We better not bother him about some damn cookie...lmao.

From an early age we knew...small stuff mom handled and big stuff 'dad' handled.

I'd like to think we didn't play one against the other...but I really can't remember.

Today this happens a lot because there are a lot of broken homes with kids being raised by one parent or even a grandparent.

Honey-Libra said...

WOW...very very true. I can remember me and my sisters trying to pull that nonsense and us quickly being put into check by both our parents...my lil sis only pulled it once and she never tried it again...cause my parents talked to one another and if one said something the other went along with it and if they didnt we didnt know about it LOL

The Diva's Thoughts said...

Wow! Truer words have never been spoken.

dc_speaks said...

isn't that the reason that kids have two parents? so that they can pit them against one another when it comes to asking questions.

i suppose that i heard growing up fathers are the strict parent and mothers are more nurturing of the two, it screams for kids to be able to pick and choose which parent to ask first.

it also falls in line with the harmony that you mentioned in your post. i hardly ever remember hearing the words "what did your mother say when you asked her?" or "did you already get an answer for this question"...since we don't stop to get the answers first, our kids can run the game a lil smoother on us.

cool post.

Anonymous said...

It’s amazing that I ran across this post today. This is an all too familiar situation in my household. I’ve pondered this very situation and have come up with mixed reasons for why it goes on. One is that women who exercise this behavior do not know how to submit.

For the success of a home and husband-wife relationship, there must be not only his leadership in love but her submission.

They also don’t care or understand how the impact of disharmony impacts the child. It’s very frustrating to deal with an undermining situation like this. I’m at a dead halt as to what to do! After you’ve explained rationally this problem (to your uncooperative mate) until you turn blue in the face, what is there to do? Should you continue to work at the situation although your partner is not willing? Are you to leave the situation as it is and say nothing? Are you to pack your bags due to immense stress/frustration and leave the marriage? Should you take the Neanderthal approach and KNOCK her upside her head? I’m considering!

Some may say “Spend as much alone time as you can with the child (outside the home one on one) so the two of you can bond on another level despite the nonsense occurring in the household”. This may work to build you and the child’s relationship but what’s to be done about the division of you and your mate? And trust me; there will be division because this conduct is a part of her character so she’ll demonstrate similar properties in many other aspects of the relationship. I knew I should have gone to marriage counseling.

Kudos to the WOMEN who exercise harmony within their marriage!

Ms. Behaving said...


Gurl....I can't tell you how often I do this myself.

Dad'll say to my son" don't do (A) and I'll be all over him like "WHY NOT??" "let him have it" or "let him do it" [go head baby]

I never really looked at it like I was teaching him to listen to one parent over the other.....[Ima have to work on that]

Damn...what an eye opener....

DurtyMo said...

I was raised by my momma and what she said WENT. Either you went with it or you went without..PERIOD! my momma was sucha renegade I swear! LOL!

DurtyMo said...

I just read Anon's comment. You aiight bruh?

jameil1922 said...

that was bangin.

Organized Noise said...

Disrespecting your partners decision, showing the children that one parent is more dominant and the parents can be played against each other, not good. Not good at all.

JustMeWriting said...

ok...there's so much good stuff here, I'm going to take it one by one:

op.d: THAT'S WHAT'S UP because at least there's balance within the home, because you guys knew who pretty much handled what. That's pretty much how I grew up too...my dad didn't really bother with most things.

honey: NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT... that's just how it's supposed to be.

diva: why thank you sista.

dc: yeah, those preset roles do play a big part.

anon: WOW, dude..."you told harpo to beat me?" Seriously, that's a big deal. Of course I don't think you should beat her...maybe give a lil shake- JUST KIDDING, but that first option sounds like your best bet...especially if your wife is hard to talk to on the matter.

ms.b: WHAT...LOL, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU, but not really with the way you talk about your boy...LOL, I just can hear you now..."GO HEAD BABY-EAT TWO COOKIES" LOL, but I hope things don't get as bad as some situations I've seen. We love our precious babies and it's easy to forget we have to share everything about them, so just watch out for patterns that may start to form.

durty: (LOL), yeah, that's the joy of being a single parent...I'm SO glad I don't have to share my boys...forreal! yeah, anon really feel some-kind-of-way about this...so ANYBODY GOT SUGGESTIONS???

Ticia said...

Clapping loudly!! I concur, I agree.....fo sho'---

You are right...so right...parents need to be parents and NOT friends.....

Tom_Gurl said...

Growing up...I lived with my mum and went to my dad's fam on the weekends. Back in the day, my mum was strict...but fair...as were my grandparents...but as I was the grandbaby they always saw...I used to get a lot more...When I'd come home, my mum was convinced I was different cos I was being spoilt by my grandparents....

I never played the 2 against each other...I was a good kid...but being the only kid in the household at my grandparents, I got alot more affection from them, and responded to them better (let's say) to them than with my mum. *shrugs* dunno if that made any sense...but to conclude....playing one parent against the other is a game the kids learn to play cos the parents are showing em the rules...I can't really say too much, cos I'm not a parent meself...but...working together in harmony is real important!

ROTFL@Ms behaving! She's too crazy!

Troubled Woman said...

Very interesting and true post. I know I played my parents against each other. You learn this at a very early age. Sometimes they would catch on, and sometimes they wouldn't. I just pray when the time comes for me to get married and have children, that me and my husband are on one accord when it comes to discipline and how we are going to raise our children.

Ms. Behaving said...

Damn...Am I really that bad??

Nah fah real tho' JMW --- I took this post seriously because again, I didn't really see it as my doing anything that was wrong.

Sometimes, it takes a person who's lookin at the situation from outside to make you really see yourself...

Your post did that for me :-)...It made me realize I gotta really work on that.

[**So...EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: Instead of me allowing him to have two cookies, he's only gettin one (I swear)** ]


However I work it out, I'm gonna make sure he knows/understands that daddy's words are just as important as mommy's.

Girl you rock!!!

Vickie said...

excellent post, digging the remodel

Mizrepresent said...

Love the new layout! Parenting is a collab...and to be truthful there will be times that parents will disagree on how to instruct and discipline a child...it is our nature, because women and men are different, our nature, our emotional understanding is different...so therefore we will react differently. All i can say, is that it is best to discuss such things between each other and make a decision based upon both, we bend, but don't break. A child needs both his mothers and his fathers contribution...it's what will make them a whole, and not one half of anything.

JustMeWriting said...

t.g: that's so funny, because if anyone at all, I'd have to say I was and STILL spoiled by my grandmother, but I never played into it ON PURPOSE...LOL. She's the reason people started to notice me in high school, because she MADE my mother buy me decen clothes and she bought me a pair of $300 boots from John Wannamaker's..LOL. (I LOVE YOU GRANDMA)...HAHAHA

t.w: hey lady, YES... that's what I'm saying, this thing is learned as soon as the child can walk for the most part, because that's when they start exploring things.

ms.b: LOL... gurl, please...you're too good to be that bad...haha. I know you mean well and just act outta love for your baby, but it can be something bad if it goes on too long. You can talk to your son and make him understand things too...like it's ok for mommy to give a 'special' treat(agains daddy's wishes) but this wouldn't happen all the time and you'd guys would have to talk about things, but I hope you didn't feel bad...you know you my sista...lol. NO, YOU ROCK...LOL. (much love)

vicky: hey lady...and thank you much.

miz: hey lady, HECK YEAH... we'll never agree all the time, but that's exactly the way to go...talk things over and hopefully, without it turning into a big dramatic production in front of the kids.

Anonymous said...

I am not a parent, but I am a teacher and am able to somewhat relate to what you are saying. Nice blog!

Nic said...


Did you watch 6abc last night at 10:00pm. They were doing this special on an abused woman. Long story short. The man was beating and berating the shit out of his wife. The crazy part is that he had one of the kid videotape a 51 minute long beat down. She had like four children, and all of them were completely brainwashed by the crazy husband. You could actually hear her eldest son say (as he videotaped)

"You provoked him into doing this to you!"

With all the shit that he did to her, he ended up getting 34 years in jail. Longest sentence in history for a domestic violence case where the woman lived. Their eldest daughter was 19 at the time of the trial. She was completely for her daddy. Wouldn't even speak to the mother for a long, long time. Talk about lack of respect for the other parent.

I don't really have an answer to your question. All I know is that it must feel horrible to be undermined by someone who could have a strong hand in shaping your child. Just sickening really. And to trapped, dealing with someone (an asshole parent) for at least 18 years……OMG!

Nic said...

If my husband/babies daddy did start to undermind me for underminings sake, he'd be getting nyquil in his dinner, EVERY NIGHT!
Naw just kidding.

I would start with something lighter....like grape Dimatap in his KoolAide.

Yummmm.......now go to sleep asshole.

feels good b n FREE said...

i'm sorry i don't have a husband or a cooperative baby daddy.

i have an exhusband, who is a dad when it's cute...

i'll be daggone if when he says something my kids have to go by it...

not when i'm around.

JustMeWriting said...

bloghog: (cute name...lol), thanks for the visit, and I'm glad you can relate.

nic: WOW... see, girl it would take a month of post to go into ALL the issues with that HORRIBLE situation...that's crazy, and what most men don't realize is there's NOTHING a person especially a women can do to make you go there. NOTHING, but how her KIDS got like that is my biggest concern. On the second comment...LOL. YOU'RE AN IDIOT...LOL..."now go to sleep asshole" HAHAHAHAHA!

free: yeah, I hear what you're saying there girl...if he's not fit to be a parent, it's your responsibility to protect your children.

Nic said...

Oh yeah, I also responded to your comment on my blog.